Memorabilia of IMS

A Place Called Here

What am I doing here, again?

Didn’t I promise myself to leave, and never return?

So that I don’t have to undergo the pains anymore.

Though the pains can simply be avoided.

By not being here, again.

I love myself, I want you to love me.
When I’m feelin’ down, I want you besides me.
I search myself, I want you to find me.
I forget myself, I want you to remind me.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Insecure? Maybe.

It seems like I always feel jealous when my best friend get close to other people.

Those days, I had a girl best friend. We shared many things together. I kinda like her, because she’s a bit rough yet able to get in touch with her feminime side. Things happened, she got close to a new girl best friend. And I felt intimidated. I didn’t want anybody to take her away from me. I texted her telling that we shouldn’t be bestfriends anymore. She kept contacting me as she cared about me. But the only thing I was sure, it’s over. But not that over, we were still friends. Though I no longer share anything personal with her. Remember, we were no longer bestfriends.

I am quite particular when choosing somebody who I want to be close with because I believed that your best friends are the mirror to your soul. I might be nice to all friends, but I do not share everything with everyone. Hardly to anyone, in fact. Unless he/she’s the one.

So, it happens again. I know that we can’t keep friends. We can’t make them to be what we want them to be. But am afraid of losing. I don’t want to lose any significant others. I just don’t want to.

• My friend said that when he sees a handsome men, he wished that he could look like them. So that he will never afraid of losing his girlfriend.

When I see those handsome men, I will only feel (and do) these two things (it happens consecutively):

1. Envy them.
2. Hate them.

It’s not a big deal as I live in a country where the girls are hot, and the boys are (majority) ugly and not worth envying.

For all this time, it’s OK to do such things because I don’t even know those guys, and don’t even close to them, and of course hardly see them on daily life.

But now it happened that I be friend one of the minority of the boys. And he’s a good friend of mine. And I can’t help from envying him.

A part of me begs to be nice and learn how to be as good as him, while the other asks me to kill him alive and slit his throat so that I won’t feel intimidated every now and then (though I know am already on the losing side).

So, I would take the safest side - staying away from him. It seems hard though, because apart of his good looks, he has a good personality that’s fun to be with and he is so damn nice.

So, should I kill him?

I don’t know how to say it. Let alone to show it.

Never good in showing my emotions. My facial expressions though heartily expressed, are still monotonous. Am Sorry.

But I LOVE YOU. I really do.

How would you expect people to to listen to you, when you only talk.

How would you expect people to appreciate, when you only critic.

How would you expect people to give, when you only take.

How would you expect people to love, when you only wait..

This is not fate. This is destiny.

Fate happens without asking.

Destiny happens when you prayed.

And this is my prayer. I planned for us to meet. I might end it one day. But I think I should just let fate takes it turn.

You’re so expressive.

No wonder you’re very good in drama.. and life.

I keep things to myself. And I failed both miserably.

I have to. I do not want to hurt people, though I know that would definitely hurt myself. Always do.

I hate uncertainty.

You once asked me ‘What do I get from giving?’

I would ask the same thing to you.

For everything that I’ve done, sacrificed. What do I get?

I need a guarantee. Am scared.

All the rain drops,
in the sky tonight,
can’t compare with all pain and all the tears I’ve cried,
But now I’m done…

All the make believe,
locked in this text message,
is gonna stay behind along with all the burnin rage,
Thats been tearin through my heart.
It killin’ me slowly,
every beat I was fallin’ apart…

Sometimes you give,
sometimes they take,
Sometimes you bend and sometimes they break you down.
Sometimes you stick around,
tryin’ to change me, make make, someone that I’ll never be.
And sometimes I leave….

All this time I’ve spent,
starin’ at the door.
I never had the strength to pack my bags and leave before.
But now I’m done,
Lyin’ to myself when it’s clear that you’re not the one…